Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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