I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Are we still banned from the library?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize