I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
