come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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