My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
