I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
