I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
