So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think a kid would responsible me up
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
