He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
