i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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