so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
