Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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