For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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