He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
