woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
