I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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