All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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