My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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