I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I checked into jail on foursquare
you told grandpa to call you daddy
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
