Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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