I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
