I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
