new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
