One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
