Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
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Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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