Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
