I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
