it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
