What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
