wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
