I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
