why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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