I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
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