I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
