How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
