i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
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After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
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Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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