it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
