Who wears a wallet chain?!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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