I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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