wat bout pragnant strippers??
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
