It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
