You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
