The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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