Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
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If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
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You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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