The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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