can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
