I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
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some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
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Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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