i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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