remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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