I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.