I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf