Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities