At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
