Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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