It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
