ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
