to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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