i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
