i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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