Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
