My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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