apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
In America we eat man semen.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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