I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
