If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
