well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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