So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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