I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
