So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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