I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
