I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
We left the knife in your bed.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Text me some of your sweat
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
