1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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